Beautiful Disaster.

"...You're a beautiful disaster. Someday, someone's gonna make you get yourself to happiness, and it's gonna be amazing."

I sat there, looking at the statement in an almost awe.

I rubbed the hair off my forehead and looked out the window. A car went down the road and the headlights danced over the walls, reflecting off the the glass and mirrors temporarily illuminating the room. Fiddling with the rings on my fingers, I responded with the only thing I could.

"Who says I'm not happy?"

It was a superfluous statement. I knew I wasn't, and from what I could tell he had me pinned. I stood up and stretched, the blood slowly returning to my limbs. I plopped back down in my chair and pulled my computer up onto my lap again.

"It's beautiful because you care so damn much and are an awesome person. It's a disaster because I think you're stopping yourself short in the pursuit of perfection and happiness."

The topic was quickly changed. It was very hard for me to sit there and realize that what he was saying was true.

We talked a little while longer and then said goodnight... I layed in bed for a good hour afterwards replaying the words he said in my head. I couldn't believe that someone could actually come to that conclusion about me. I was always happy, always laughing and smiling, always taking care of someone. It never occured to me that being that way was stopping me short in this quest for perfection or happiness.

I pulled the blankets up over my head and went to sleep. It was that night that I had one of those dreams.

I was standing in the middle of kitchen that opened up to a living room. There we a bunch of people, all my age drinking and laughing and dancing around. I joined in, taking shots and mixing drinks like everyone else. There was a guy there... roughly my height and very muscular doing the same thing I was doing. I went down into the basement of the house and laid on the couch. He joined me shortly and we spent a good portion of the night just talking.

We moved from the couch to a bed and then to a dock. It was slightly cold outside and the breeze coming off the lake only added to the chill.

Sitting there staring at the stars listening to him scared me. He was telling me stories and experiences that hurt him, and there was nothing I could do about it. No matter how much I tried, I knew that I would never be able to fix it.

I was furious. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pull my hair out with anger that someone I knew and cared about could be hurt. My mind immediately went to all the people I care for or I love. I would shatter into a million pieces if for some reason anything happened at all to them.

"You just need to take care of yourself and separate yourself from the pain of others."

With those words I woke up. I looked around my room, down at the clock, and up at the ceiling. I stumbled up the stairs and creeped into my sitting room. I picked up my computer and wrote him back. I told him he was right, I understood, and I wanted to fix it.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Even if it doesn't happen instantly, it's an amazing start."

For the first time I'm going to fix something that needs to be fixed. But this time, it's for me.