Feeling completely out of the ordinary, she sat down at the computer.
She quickly read what was flashing on the screen and stood up. Her eyes filled with tears and she began to run.
She thought the best sound in the world was the sound of her tennis shoes slapping the pavement at 5:30 in the morning. The musky air and stillness of the world made her comfortable in ways she could never explain. The contrast of her white shoes and the pitch black pavement made her chuckle every time she looked down at her feet. The slight wetness of the grass made good traction difficult, but she enjoyed the challenge.
Running was her therapy. Because she couldn't run from anything or anyone, she ran for herself. She ran for all the times she had been hurt, when it felt like her heart was slowly being taken apart piece by piece. She ran for all the times she had been scared of how something would turn out, when she thought she would fail. Most importantly she ran for all the times she felt nothing, and thought that she should.
It happened quite frequently, really.
It's not like she didn't have emotions. She had more passion in her for the things she loved than she could convey properly, more compassion for every person in her life than anyone understood, and more saddness for the things that didn't work out than a typical person would.
As she ran over a small bridge she glanced down at the water. A couple of small fish were sitting idly next to a branch that had fallen into the pond. It was 5:30 in the morning, she figured, nature's probably still sleeping.
She turned up the volume to her music almost as loud as it would go and kept on running. Her chest started to hurt and she could feel the tears coming. Everyday this happened. She would be at peace with everything, and then life hit her in the face like a ton of bricks. Gasping for air she slowed down and the tears fell. Refusing to stop, she made her way back to her house.
She walked in one of the side doors to her house and sprawled out on the floor. The carpet was softer in that room than the rest of the house mainly because it was a throw rug, but also because it didn't get much use. Laying on her back she pulled the headphones out of her ears, shut her iPod off, and wrapped the cords around it. She rolled over onto her side and slowly stood up.
As she past her computer again, she debated answering the flashing message on the screen.
Deciding not to, she started getting ready for the day.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Beautiful Disaster.
"...You're a beautiful disaster. Someday, someone's gonna make you get yourself to happiness, and it's gonna be amazing."
I sat there, looking at the statement in an almost awe.
I rubbed the hair off my forehead and looked out the window. A car went down the road and the headlights danced over the walls, reflecting off the the glass and mirrors temporarily illuminating the room. Fiddling with the rings on my fingers, I responded with the only thing I could.
"Who says I'm not happy?"
It was a superfluous statement. I knew I wasn't, and from what I could tell he had me pinned. I stood up and stretched, the blood slowly returning to my limbs. I plopped back down in my chair and pulled my computer up onto my lap again.
"It's beautiful because you care so damn much and are an awesome person. It's a disaster because I think you're stopping yourself short in the pursuit of perfection and happiness."
The topic was quickly changed. It was very hard for me to sit there and realize that what he was saying was true.
We talked a little while longer and then said goodnight... I layed in bed for a good hour afterwards replaying the words he said in my head. I couldn't believe that someone could actually come to that conclusion about me. I was always happy, always laughing and smiling, always taking care of someone. It never occured to me that being that way was stopping me short in this quest for perfection or happiness.
I pulled the blankets up over my head and went to sleep. It was that night that I had one of those dreams.
I was standing in the middle of kitchen that opened up to a living room. There we a bunch of people, all my age drinking and laughing and dancing around. I joined in, taking shots and mixing drinks like everyone else. There was a guy there... roughly my height and very muscular doing the same thing I was doing. I went down into the basement of the house and laid on the couch. He joined me shortly and we spent a good portion of the night just talking.
We moved from the couch to a bed and then to a dock. It was slightly cold outside and the breeze coming off the lake only added to the chill.
Sitting there staring at the stars listening to him scared me. He was telling me stories and experiences that hurt him, and there was nothing I could do about it. No matter how much I tried, I knew that I would never be able to fix it.
I was furious. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pull my hair out with anger that someone I knew and cared about could be hurt. My mind immediately went to all the people I care for or I love. I would shatter into a million pieces if for some reason anything happened at all to them.
"You just need to take care of yourself and separate yourself from the pain of others."
With those words I woke up. I looked around my room, down at the clock, and up at the ceiling. I stumbled up the stairs and creeped into my sitting room. I picked up my computer and wrote him back. I told him he was right, I understood, and I wanted to fix it.
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Even if it doesn't happen instantly, it's an amazing start."
For the first time I'm going to fix something that needs to be fixed. But this time, it's for me.
I sat there, looking at the statement in an almost awe.
I rubbed the hair off my forehead and looked out the window. A car went down the road and the headlights danced over the walls, reflecting off the the glass and mirrors temporarily illuminating the room. Fiddling with the rings on my fingers, I responded with the only thing I could.
"Who says I'm not happy?"
It was a superfluous statement. I knew I wasn't, and from what I could tell he had me pinned. I stood up and stretched, the blood slowly returning to my limbs. I plopped back down in my chair and pulled my computer up onto my lap again.
"It's beautiful because you care so damn much and are an awesome person. It's a disaster because I think you're stopping yourself short in the pursuit of perfection and happiness."
The topic was quickly changed. It was very hard for me to sit there and realize that what he was saying was true.
We talked a little while longer and then said goodnight... I layed in bed for a good hour afterwards replaying the words he said in my head. I couldn't believe that someone could actually come to that conclusion about me. I was always happy, always laughing and smiling, always taking care of someone. It never occured to me that being that way was stopping me short in this quest for perfection or happiness.
I pulled the blankets up over my head and went to sleep. It was that night that I had one of those dreams.
I was standing in the middle of kitchen that opened up to a living room. There we a bunch of people, all my age drinking and laughing and dancing around. I joined in, taking shots and mixing drinks like everyone else. There was a guy there... roughly my height and very muscular doing the same thing I was doing. I went down into the basement of the house and laid on the couch. He joined me shortly and we spent a good portion of the night just talking.
We moved from the couch to a bed and then to a dock. It was slightly cold outside and the breeze coming off the lake only added to the chill.
Sitting there staring at the stars listening to him scared me. He was telling me stories and experiences that hurt him, and there was nothing I could do about it. No matter how much I tried, I knew that I would never be able to fix it.
I was furious. I wanted to scream. I wanted to pull my hair out with anger that someone I knew and cared about could be hurt. My mind immediately went to all the people I care for or I love. I would shatter into a million pieces if for some reason anything happened at all to them.
"You just need to take care of yourself and separate yourself from the pain of others."
With those words I woke up. I looked around my room, down at the clock, and up at the ceiling. I stumbled up the stairs and creeped into my sitting room. I picked up my computer and wrote him back. I told him he was right, I understood, and I wanted to fix it.
"You have no idea how happy I am to hear that. Even if it doesn't happen instantly, it's an amazing start."
For the first time I'm going to fix something that needs to be fixed. But this time, it's for me.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Questions.
“Why did you come here?”
I couldn’t dodge it anymore. He had me pinned… there was nothing to hide behind. I sat back in my chair and looked him in the eye.
“Because… Well, I don’t know. If I had any idea I probably would have talked myself out of it. All I know is this morning I packed a bag and drove. I ended up here. School’s starting in a month, and I’m extremely scared. This is my first year as a definitive major. And Pre-Med for Jesus’ sake! I’m going to kill myself. Or maybe it’s because I’m getting married in 6 months to my high school sweetheart and I’m afraid of it failing. Or maybe because of the dream I’ve been having for the past three years.”
What dream?”
So I told him about the dream, and how I wake up crying every time. He pulled me closer and rested his chin on my shoulder.
“Well, that’s a problem know isn’t it?”
I kind of chuckled. I didn’t know what else to do, and it felt good just sitting there with him. It reminded me of the nights we spent watching movies and playing video games together. He rubbed my back for a moment then scooped up our plates. We talked as he did the dishes trying to interpret the dream the best we could. It was funny, when I had tried to talk to my roommate or even Dolan about it I felt embarrassed or awkward… but not with Chris.
“It’s almost 1 in the morning and I’ve got to be at the lab at 8:30. Do you need a place to stay?”
He took me upstairs and let me have my pick of the rooms. I chose one that was surely decorated by his mother. Everything from the color of the walls to the knobs on the dresser reminded me of her. The bedspread was a solid maroon color with a deep brown trim. The walls were the same color brown. I threw my bag on the bed and turned around to say goodnight. We stood there, awkwardly hugging for a minute or two. I let go and he kissed my forehead like he used to every time we said goodnight or goodbye. He pulled the door shut and I pulled my toothbrush out of my bag. Right next to it was my cell phone, “5 missed calls”. Oh fuck.
Two were from Dolan, one from my mother, one from my roommate, and one from Dolan’s best friend. Apparently there was a search of some sort for me. I called my roommate first and let her know I was okay. We talked about what happened for a while and she told me to do what I needed to do. I decided to wait to call my mother back until the morning and called Dolan. It rung 4 times before a very groggy voice answered the phone.
“Sweetheart, where are you? It’s one in the morning… I tried calling…”
I explained to him that I was in Baltimore visiting an old friend, and I would be home in a couple of days. He started with a million questions and began to become frantic. I told him that no, everything was okay, I’m really fine, I just needed a getaway before school started, I love you, trust me, I’ll call you when I get a chance, bye.
I crawled into the bed and pulled the covers up over me and under my chin. The rain pitter-pattered on the window as I drifted off asleep.
I couldn’t dodge it anymore. He had me pinned… there was nothing to hide behind. I sat back in my chair and looked him in the eye.
“Because… Well, I don’t know. If I had any idea I probably would have talked myself out of it. All I know is this morning I packed a bag and drove. I ended up here. School’s starting in a month, and I’m extremely scared. This is my first year as a definitive major. And Pre-Med for Jesus’ sake! I’m going to kill myself. Or maybe it’s because I’m getting married in 6 months to my high school sweetheart and I’m afraid of it failing. Or maybe because of the dream I’ve been having for the past three years.”
What dream?”
So I told him about the dream, and how I wake up crying every time. He pulled me closer and rested his chin on my shoulder.
“Well, that’s a problem know isn’t it?”
I kind of chuckled. I didn’t know what else to do, and it felt good just sitting there with him. It reminded me of the nights we spent watching movies and playing video games together. He rubbed my back for a moment then scooped up our plates. We talked as he did the dishes trying to interpret the dream the best we could. It was funny, when I had tried to talk to my roommate or even Dolan about it I felt embarrassed or awkward… but not with Chris.
“It’s almost 1 in the morning and I’ve got to be at the lab at 8:30. Do you need a place to stay?”
He took me upstairs and let me have my pick of the rooms. I chose one that was surely decorated by his mother. Everything from the color of the walls to the knobs on the dresser reminded me of her. The bedspread was a solid maroon color with a deep brown trim. The walls were the same color brown. I threw my bag on the bed and turned around to say goodnight. We stood there, awkwardly hugging for a minute or two. I let go and he kissed my forehead like he used to every time we said goodnight or goodbye. He pulled the door shut and I pulled my toothbrush out of my bag. Right next to it was my cell phone, “5 missed calls”. Oh fuck.
Two were from Dolan, one from my mother, one from my roommate, and one from Dolan’s best friend. Apparently there was a search of some sort for me. I called my roommate first and let her know I was okay. We talked about what happened for a while and she told me to do what I needed to do. I decided to wait to call my mother back until the morning and called Dolan. It rung 4 times before a very groggy voice answered the phone.
“Sweetheart, where are you? It’s one in the morning… I tried calling…”
I explained to him that I was in Baltimore visiting an old friend, and I would be home in a couple of days. He started with a million questions and began to become frantic. I told him that no, everything was okay, I’m really fine, I just needed a getaway before school started, I love you, trust me, I’ll call you when I get a chance, bye.
I crawled into the bed and pulled the covers up over me and under my chin. The rain pitter-pattered on the window as I drifted off asleep.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
